THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (2)

Continuing from where we left off, I have 2 more steps for you to consider.

3. The Due date: even if you’re already pregnant by then, it’s still hard. It’s hard because you know that you should be holding a baby in your arms by now and you’re not. If you’re lucky, you’ll be so distracted that the day will go by before you realise its significance. More often than not, you’ll remember the date.
My advice is, don’t spend time in apprehension as the day approaches. Plan something special for that day with your husband/ mother/ girlfriend(s). Celebrate life on that day.

4. The first time you acknowledge the loss: in the weeks and months that follow a miscarriage, all you do is think about it. You want to go over what happened, you want to see what you did wrong, you want to understand why. If you’re lucky, you’ll have someone’s ear to talk off in the process.
But I’m talking about the 1st time you have to tell someone who didn’t know that you had a miscarriage. For me it was at the clinic, giving my reproductive history and again with my pastor (blogged about the second one on an older post). It’s hard because most times you think you have moved on (hence the decision to talk about it). But acknowledging that loss brings all those old feelings back to the surface as you remember how hard it was for you.
It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve relapsed to (in my case!) your pyjama-wearing, Pringles-munching days. It just means you lost something precious and your heart knows it.

So, for those of you who thought you were the only ones going through this stuff, you’re not alone. For those of you at the start of this journey, hope this helps you get to the other side safely. And for our friends and loved ones, hope this information helps you to be even better friends to us.

THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (1)

After my miscarriage, there were experiences I went through that I wasn’t prepared for. Then I realised that these were milestones in the lives of women after a miscarriage and passing through them was part of arriving at a final destination of healing and wholeness.

1. My first period: if there was anything that marked the end finality of the loss it was finding out that “Aunty Flo” was in town. I had been happily pregnant and blissfully anticipating 9 period-free months that were not to be.
You have two ways to respond when this day comes: you could interpret it as your body giving you a rude slap and screaming at you, “You’re NOT pregnant” or you could interpret it as your body giving you a wake-up call and saying, “Are we ready to try again? Come on, it’ll be fun!”

2. The first pregnant woman I saw: it was different for me because after the miscarriage I became a recluse and would not go out. I could afford to because I had exams so I stayed in and tried to study. However that didn’t stop this milestone from meeting me. I was watching the telly and there were, not one but TWO celebrities pregnant and due around what would have been my due date! There they were, happily chatting to interviewers and whoever would care to listen about how excited they were and how the pregnancy was affecting work and how wonderful the world was. It was all I could do not to scream at the TV!
You will run into someone you know who is pregnant or someone who knows someone that’s pregnant. And they’ll rattle on, blissfully unaware; and you’ll be tempted to scream or to tell them to shut up. You will feel overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all and wonder what you did to deserve it. The important thing is to decide beforehand that if and when that day comes, you’ll be gracious and celebrate your fellow sister’s good fortune because you appreciate how precious that gift is.
So she’s pregnant and you’re not. That doesn’t make her better than you; it just makes her pregnant.

to be continued...