A Letter from Heaven

Sharon Jaynes writes in Girlfriends In God about how she struggled for three months after her miscarriage with feelings of grief. One day, she heard God speak to her heart a letter from her unborn child and that's what I want to share with you now.

Dear Mommy,

I asked Jesus if it would be all right for me to write you a letter. He said it would be OK.

First of all, I want to thank you for loving me and giving me life. I remember how happy you and daddy were when you found out that you were going to have me. I remember how you prayed that I would come to know Christ at an early age. I remember how you prayed that I would have a mission in life to help others.

Mom, I know that you and dad were sad when God decided to take me to heaven before I was born. I saw the tears that you cried. But Mom, what I wanted to tell you is this: Your prayers were answered. I am healthy. I am strong. I do know Christ, and He lets me sit on His lap every day. And mom, I do have a mission. Everyday new babies come to heaven who were never born. Many of them never knew the love of a mother or father. When they come to heaven, they always ask the same question; 'Baby Jaynes, tell me, what was it like to have the love of a mother?' And I can tell them. Oh, how I can tell them.

Thank you, mom, for loving me. I know you miss me. But one day we will be together and what a time we will have. Until then, imagine me happy and whole, playing at the feet of Jesus, and telling other babies about what it feels like to have a mommy that loves them.

See you soon,

Baby Jaynes

The uniqueness of a miscarriage

Every person is different and was created unique. And so, when a woman has a miscarriage, her experience is as unique as she is. You cannot predict what the miscarriage process will be like for her and you cannot predict what her feelings will be after the miscarriage.

Bearing this in mind, it is therefore very important to avoid projecting your expectations on the woman on how she should deal with the loss. Some women hate the idea of a D&C and would rather miscarry naturally while others will rather have the pregnancy end once and for all than endure days of bleeding and a prolonged good-bye. Some women are relieved when their pregnancies end, others feel a sense of loss that eases with time while still others deal with heightened feelings of depression, anxiety and guilt for much longer.

If we are going to offer support and encourage complete healing after a miscarriage then we should acknowledge and respect each mother's autonomy and the uniqueness of her experience; that miscarriage is common doesn't mean we should make it common.

This too shall pass

For anyone who is struggling, this poem really helped me when I struggled with grief after my miscarriage.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

If I can endure for this minute Whatever is happening to me,No matter how heavy my heart is Or how dark the moment may be ...

If I can remain calm and quiet With all the world crashing about me,Secure in the knowledge God loves me When everyone else seems to doubt me ...

If I can but keep on believing What I know in my heart to be true,That darkness will fade with the morning And that "this will pass away, too!" ...

Then nothing in life can defeat me For as long as this knowledge remains I can suffer whatever is happening For I know God will break all the chains That are binding me tight in "the darkness"And trying to fill me with fear ...For there is "no night without dawning"And I know that "my morning" is near.
~ Helen Steiner Rice ~

Dealing with the disappointment of a loss

I found this Dear Abby letter from a woman who had experienced a miscarriage: http://legacy.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070312/news_1c12abby.html

DEAR ABBY: I suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago. Since then, it feels like I have suffered one disappointment after another. My sister-in-law – who was supposed to be infertile – is now expecting. The doctors thought she'd had an ectopic pregnancy, so they performed surgery on her only to find that the baby was fine and right where it should be.
I feel so bitter that I am normal and healthy, and my baby died because of random bad luck, whereas her baby is fine after all the trauma she has been through. I have become increasingly angry and unhappy and can no longer see the positive aspects of my life because I spend so much time focusing on the bad. I want to be happy for her and my brother because, surely, this is a miracle baby – but I just can't.
I think I need a dose of good common sense and a swift kick in the rear to get me out of this depression. Would you do the honors?

– Anonymous in the North

Anyone who has been through a miscarriage will immediately sympathise with her feelings of injustice and jealousy; I couldn't bear the sight of a pregnant woman, any pregnant woman for weeks after my miscarriage because i couldn't help but wonder what they did that I didn't and how unfair it all was.

Thankfully, Abby gives very good advice to this woman; she doesn't need a kick up her rear, none of us do. What we need is the opportunity and support to grieve and work through all we are feeling at the time, knowing that we are not bad persons for feeling the way we do and we will not always feel the way we do.

For anyone struggling with feelings of disappointment and resentment as a result of a miscarriage, you are not abnormal and you are not alone. You will get through this.

When you can't shake that sad feeling

After a miscarriage, no matter how painful the loss, life goes on. You probably return to work and get on the affairs of daily life. After a while, you might manage a smile when you greet people as you go about your business and even sometimes, genuine laughter.

What happens when your life seems to have returned to normal but underneath the surface you still have lingering feelings of sadness? What happens in those moments when you are suddenly confronted by the fact that you suffered a loss? What do you do then?

I don't pretend to know what can be done then; I don't pretend to know what causes the sadness to linger. I just want to say that it happens and it doesn't mean you're regressing or that you are unable to move on after the loss. There'll be sad moments and even days and all I can pray is that when those times come, we will have the grace and strength to deal with it, holding on to the hope that this too shall pass.

Taking Care of Yourself when Grieving

There is a great article on msn health and fitness about this and I would like to share some of their points with you. Even though it's focus is on grieving a loved one at the end of their life, I know that the grief of a miscarriage is just as real and needs to be addressed.

This is just my summary; you can find the full article on http://health.msn.com/health-topics/caregiving/end-of-life/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100245934

First, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Grief is often described as a syndrome with intense emotional responses but it can also have cognitive, physical and spiritual effects too.
Emotional: You may need to identify and express your feelings as you experience them, be they of sadness, guilt, regret, anger, numbness, fear or even suicidal thoughts. Writing in a journal or finding someone to talk to can be really useful.
Cognitive: You may also find it difficult, in the first few days after the loss, to concentrate on work or any task and you may be more forgetful or have a short attention span.
Physical: Sleep deprivation or excess, changes in appetite, aches and pains and even the ’flu are symptoms that can be attributed to the grieving.
Spiritual: You may be attacked by a crisis of confidence in your spiritual beliefs, you may question your beliefs about the goodness of God and have difficulty making a meaning out of the loss.
Whatever symptoms you feel, be patient with yourself; they will pass with time. Take good care of yourself by ensuring you eat a balanced diet and avoid excessive alcohol (no matter how strongly you are tempted by Ben &Jerry or Johnny Walker).
Take time to meditate and reaffirm your faith and convictions and if you can afford it, pamper yourself with a manicure, a massage or even just a soothing bath. Finally, always remember to ask for help: from your doctor, your religious leader or your family.

The Miscarraige Aftermath

An article written by Anne Nordal Broen of the University of Oslo in Norway and published by the American Psychosomatic Society in 2004 provides interesting insights following a study of two groups of women. The first group were women who had suffered a miscarriage and the second were women who had undergone an induced abortion. These women were interviewed to determine the psychological impact of their experiences.

The author questioned the assumption that a miscarriage creates a problem for the woman it happens to while an abortion solves a problem for the woman that chooses it. This assumption, of course fails to consider women who were coerced into the decision by unfavourable circumstances, uncooperative partners or by unfortunate results following genetic testing.

In this study, she excluded abortions due to genetic abnormalities and, as much as possible, late miscarriages. The women were interviewed 10days, 6months and 2years after their experience.
In a lot of the women in the miscarriage group, there were very high levels of what is called intrusion (strong feelings of grief/loss with flashbacks/nightmares/reliving the event) at the 10day interview. Part of what was credited as being responsible for the strong reaction to the experience of a miscarriage is the shock-like event that a miscarriage is; a miscarriage is unexpected and frightening and can shake the most stable of us to the core. This intrusion, however, had remarkably subsided by the 2year interview. Women who did not have the immediate grief reaction after the event were found to suffer higher levels of intrusion at the later interviews.

2years may seem like a long time but the point I want to make is that no matter how bad you feel right now, you will feel better one day. You will always remember the loss but it won’t always hurt this much.

Choosing the Appropriate Management Option

When a woman has been diagnosed with a miscarriage, there are three main methods by which the miscarriage may be managed.

The first is what we call “Expectant management”. In this method, the woman is left to bleed and miscarry naturally. This is usually recommended when a scan shows that a significant amount of tissue and blood has passed out of her womb already. The second is the “Surgical management”. Here, the woman is taken to a theatre and her womb is cleaned out and the contents sucked out with a suction device. In the third method, called the “Medical management”, the woman is given a drug (misoprostol) and this is usually given vaginally to enable the woman to miscarry completely without having to go to theatre.

I will start by saying the good points about each method. Expectant management enables you to be at home, in familiar surroundings and with people you know who love you. The advantage of the surgical intervention is that is gives a sense of finality: when you go home, you know it’s over and you are not dealing with a prolongation of the loss. Medical treatment has been shown in studies to be preferred to surgical in cases where the woman needs the miscarriage to be over quickly.

Unfortunately, no method is perfect. With Expectant management, the bleeding is very heavy with a lot of clots and cramping, much worse than a normal period. Surgical methods may cause a lot of fear in women already disposed to fear of anaesthesia and medical interventions. Also, women report feeling like they were killing their baby or the baby was being ripped out of them; this can be emotionally disturbing. Medical management is fraught with uncertainties and the women have to be monitored for up to 48hours and still may have surgical intervention. An extensive study carried out found that, based on specific criteria, Expectant and Surgical management both had similar success rates of approximately 97% with Medical management having a success rate of about 51%.

At the end of the day, whatever treatment method is chosen, it is important that the woman understands the implications of each choice and is comfortable with the decision that has been taken.

About "What If?" and "If Only"

After a miscarriage it is so easy to wonder "What if...?" and to wish "If only..."

• "What if I had stopped exercising?"
• "If only I didn't stress myself so much at work ".
• "What if I hadn't had sex that day?"
• "If only I didn"t drink so much coffee/wine."

Helen Jaeger, in Paths through Grief offers much-needed insight. She says, " We do not live in alternative worlds where other outcomes are possible. We live here, we live now and, when we are grieving, we live in pain."

Pause and think on that a moment. Then forgive yourself, let go and live free.

A Poem to Share

JESUS, IS HE WITH YOU?
Jesus is he with you?
I wonder every day
I sit and wonder why he's gone
And why he could not stay

Every part of me is empty
I feel I can't go on
But when I look to heaven
I hear this beautiful song

Mommy I am with him
He holds me in his arms
When every I am with him
He keeps me safe and warm

He says you shouldn't worry
I am safe and loved right here
With all the other baby angels
That passed within the years

We have a special place up here
He thought that you should know
Where the Blessed Mother takes your place
For now until you show

When I hear this precious little voice
From the heavens above
I know that all the angels
Are showering him with love

For everyone that wants to hear
Their babies voice so innocent and sweet
Just close your eyes and begin to pray
And embrace them in your sleep.

(c) Angela Gibson All Rights Reserved

You can Always have Another

By Nicky Phillips(creative writers at www.morewriting.co.uk) The house was in darkness when Mike arrived home. He found this slightly surprising, because not only was Lucy's car in the drive, but the dog was in his bed, which meant that Lucy wasn't out walking him. It was possible she'd popped in to one of the neighbours for a chat, but Mike thought it unlikely."Hullo, anybody home?""Here," said a sorrowful voice from the study.He found her hunched up in an armchair, hugging her knees. One look told him she'd been crying."Oh sweetheart, what is it? I thought you'd enjoy meeting all the old crowd for lunch. What happened?"He went to put his arm around her, but she shrugged him off."Yes, I was enjoying it; it was great to see them all and we were having fun. I was enjoying it, really, I'd almost forgotten, until ..." Her voice trailed off as her eyes filled with tears."Until what?""Till they said it, that same sentence, the one everybody says thinking it makes me feel better. I hate it, I hate it so much. I don't want 'another'; I want ours, the one we lost."She broke, sobbing uncontrollably, and only then would she let Mike cuddle her.

Six months earlier, Lucy and Mike were thrilled when Lucy discovered she was pregnant. They had been trying for a baby for a few months and were looking forward immensely to the big event.Lucy had noticed some spotting of blood around the time she was expecting her period, so was slightly unsure whether she was pregnant or not until the pregnancy tests left no doubt. There was more spotting four weeks later, but it didn't come to much and books she'd read said it wasn't unheard of, so she carried on as normal. She really didn't want to fuss - there was a whole pregnancy and birth to get through yet - and she didn't want to discuss it with anyone.Lucy mentioned the spotting to the doctor when she saw him. He reassured her that it was quite common and, in most cases, settles down, so she and Mike started to make plans, tell their friends, decorate the bedroom and discuss names.But it wasn't to be. A couple of weeks later Lucy started bleeding - not just spotting - but only lightly. Mike called out the doctor, who told Lucy to see if the pregnancy settled down - at this stage it was a threatened miscarriage.Lucy felt frightened and helpless and knew she could do nothing other than what she'd been told. She didn't want to eat and couldn't sleep; she only wanted time to pass until she was holding her baby in her arms. That, too, wasn't to be.The next day she suffered lower abdominal cramps and the bleeding became severe. The doctor was summoned once more and he immediately called for an ambulance. The paramedics were very reassuring and friendly, and nearly succeeded in taking her mind off what was happening. They chatted easily to her, while seeming genuinely concerned.Soon after arrival at hospital, Lucy passed so much blood, with clots and 'tissue', that it became evident the pregnancy was highly unlikely to continue to full term.A doctor performed an ultrasound scan on her, which confirmed that she had miscarried. He told her that whereas it used to be common for doctors to perform a small operation known as a D&C to clear the uterus after a miscarriage, especially a late one, it is now more common to let nature takes its course. An operation can be performed if there are complications, but generally, the pregnancy matter is passed out naturally, and bleeding will stop in a number of days. The staff were very kind to Lucy and reassured her that there was no reason whatsoever why she wouldn't go on to have a perfectly healthy baby. They told her that as many as one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that it was just one of those things, probably an isolated chromosome fault, and very unlikely to recur. They also reassured her that nothing she had done would have caused it."You can always have another," the nurses said, encouragingly.She hadn't the strength to explain that she didn't want another, she just wanted that one, her baby.Working up some courage, she asked if they would test her, so she would know for sure, but was told that investigations are not usually carried out until you have miscarried three consecutive times. She was given details of counselling services that were available, and promised to consider whether to take them up.She longed to get home, to normality, except normality had just changed, been taken away from her.When the bleeding stopped, Lucy returned to work, thinking that it would help to have her mind occupied.She was struggling at home to be able to talk the whole thing through with Mike - he seemed to want to look forward rather than back. Thoughts about it hung over her the whole time; not an hour passed without her feeling guilty about what had happened. Had she overdone things? Was it the odd glass of wine she'd had before she knew for sure that she was pregnant? Or the x-rays she'd had at the dentist's surgery a couple of months earlier? Was it because she and Mike had continued to have sex after the initial spotting? Should she have refrained from helping Mike decorate the bedroom? Thoughts went round and round her mind, each one making her feel more miserable. She knew in her head that she had done nothing to cause it, but still couldn't help wondering in her heart.Going back to work didn't help her as she thought it might. She had little interest in work or her colleagues. Their attempts at conversation and banter seemed unimportant and irrelevant to her life; in fact, she really had nothing in common with them any more. When they talked of families and children, she felt resentful. She didn't like to admit it, but she knew it was true. Even being out and about was giving her problems. The mere sight of a buggy was enough to cause her to well up or feel angry. How could they have a baby when she couldn’t?Realising she needed help to move forward, Lucy arranged some counselling sessions and also joined The Miscarriage Association, Tel (Helpline): 01924 200799 Web: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

And so, sitting in the study after lunch out with her friends on that winter's afternoon, Lucy relaxed against Mike’s strong chest as her sobs lessened and she calmed down. She tried to speak, hesitated, then continued.“You know what time it is, don’t you?”“Well, I know it’ll soon be Christmas.”“Yes, and the time our baby would have been born.”Mike was surprised. He had known the baby would have been due at Christmas, of course he had, but the sudden realisation that Lucy had been dwelling on it gave him an unpleasant jolt.“Darling, of course, I know … but it will be all right, you’ll see, we’ll have …”He stopped, knowing he was making things worse. He and Lucy were trying for another baby, but that itself was difficult. It had taken a while for her to even contemplate sex and now it was just a baby-making process.“Yes, I know, we’ll have a baby one day, of course I want to - that's why I'm happy that we're trying again. Lunch wasn't easy today though, this whole Christmas thing is hard for me. It brought it all back so vividly. And you know that I'm frightened of what may happen next time, don't you?”

The following year, Lucy again met her friends for a pre-Christmas lunch. This time Mike had to be at home to look after Jessica, their beautiful new daughter on whom they both doted. Lucy’s pregnancy had been problem-free and the birth straightforward. How lucky they were.Yet Lucy and Mike never forgot the child that would have been their firstborn.

THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (2)

Continuing from where we left off, I have 2 more steps for you to consider.

3. The Due date: even if you’re already pregnant by then, it’s still hard. It’s hard because you know that you should be holding a baby in your arms by now and you’re not. If you’re lucky, you’ll be so distracted that the day will go by before you realise its significance. More often than not, you’ll remember the date.
My advice is, don’t spend time in apprehension as the day approaches. Plan something special for that day with your husband/ mother/ girlfriend(s). Celebrate life on that day.

4. The first time you acknowledge the loss: in the weeks and months that follow a miscarriage, all you do is think about it. You want to go over what happened, you want to see what you did wrong, you want to understand why. If you’re lucky, you’ll have someone’s ear to talk off in the process.
But I’m talking about the 1st time you have to tell someone who didn’t know that you had a miscarriage. For me it was at the clinic, giving my reproductive history and again with my pastor (blogged about the second one on an older post). It’s hard because most times you think you have moved on (hence the decision to talk about it). But acknowledging that loss brings all those old feelings back to the surface as you remember how hard it was for you.
It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve relapsed to (in my case!) your pyjama-wearing, Pringles-munching days. It just means you lost something precious and your heart knows it.

So, for those of you who thought you were the only ones going through this stuff, you’re not alone. For those of you at the start of this journey, hope this helps you get to the other side safely. And for our friends and loved ones, hope this information helps you to be even better friends to us.

THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (1)

After my miscarriage, there were experiences I went through that I wasn’t prepared for. Then I realised that these were milestones in the lives of women after a miscarriage and passing through them was part of arriving at a final destination of healing and wholeness.

1. My first period: if there was anything that marked the end finality of the loss it was finding out that “Aunty Flo” was in town. I had been happily pregnant and blissfully anticipating 9 period-free months that were not to be.
You have two ways to respond when this day comes: you could interpret it as your body giving you a rude slap and screaming at you, “You’re NOT pregnant” or you could interpret it as your body giving you a wake-up call and saying, “Are we ready to try again? Come on, it’ll be fun!”

2. The first pregnant woman I saw: it was different for me because after the miscarriage I became a recluse and would not go out. I could afford to because I had exams so I stayed in and tried to study. However that didn’t stop this milestone from meeting me. I was watching the telly and there were, not one but TWO celebrities pregnant and due around what would have been my due date! There they were, happily chatting to interviewers and whoever would care to listen about how excited they were and how the pregnancy was affecting work and how wonderful the world was. It was all I could do not to scream at the TV!
You will run into someone you know who is pregnant or someone who knows someone that’s pregnant. And they’ll rattle on, blissfully unaware; and you’ll be tempted to scream or to tell them to shut up. You will feel overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all and wonder what you did to deserve it. The important thing is to decide beforehand that if and when that day comes, you’ll be gracious and celebrate your fellow sister’s good fortune because you appreciate how precious that gift is.
So she’s pregnant and you’re not. That doesn’t make her better than you; it just makes her pregnant.

to be continued...

Something for the Health care providers

I was just musing about some tendencies I had as a medical student and a doctor that are now being changed because of my experience of a miscarriage.

It's so easy to turn patients in our care into goods on a conveyor belt ("take this drug and see you in 2weeks. NEXT!"). But they are people just like us and no matter how overworked and undervalued we feel, we need to remember that that's a woman who just lost a baby (NOT "the Missed Ab in room 12"!).

After a miscarriage, it's not enough to clear out all the retained contents, prevent infection, control pain and discharge home. Some patients may want you to sit with them so they can cry and ask, "Why?" They want you to accept them on their own terms and treat them with dignity.

So, when you go on your next ward round, spare a thought for the woman on the bed; forget about impressing your Consultant or showing off your excellent clinical skills and use that opportunity to boost her morale.

We can make a difference.

More Coping Tips

Here are some tips if you are coping with depression:
• Resist the temptation to be alone! Do not cut yourself from others...you need them now more than ever. You need people you can talk to when you feel it’s too much for you to bear.
• Connect with the ones you love. Feeling love and support from family members, friends, your spouse and God can help. Let them shower you with attention and gifts; or if you’re a nurturer, feel free to take care of them.
• Pray and meditate. Read positive books and quotations. My blog is full of that kind of stuff!
• Return to work. If you have not already done so, returning to a productive and structured work day can help alleviate depression. This safe environment can provide friendly support as well as a feeling of returning to ‘normal’. Day-to-day tasks will also distract your mind from grief.
• Stay away from excesses such as alcohol, excessive eating, illegal drugs, overworking or promiscuity. These things are only temporary escapes and they can be harmful to your physical and emotional wellbeing. Did the overeating thing...it did NOT work and ended up feeling guilty.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help! If you have several symptoms that persist for several weeks, get professional help immediately. There are treatments and medications that can help. It is not a sign of weakness and nothing is wrong with you...it just means you can’t cope on your own at this time.

As my people will say...e go beta!
Culled from www.hopexchange.com

Choosing to be Whole again

There is no grief that can be compared to the pain of losing your unborn child. I am not in any way minimizing other forms of loss; when you lose a parent, friend or any other loved one, it's hard. You think about the memories you shared and the impact they had on your life. You find yourself in a particular situation and think, "I wish X was here" or "I know what Z would think of this".

When you lose a baby (by miscarriage, stillbirth or early neonatal death) you don't have that 'luxury'. You don't grieve about the past; you mourn the future you will never have with that child. You see pregnant women and nursing mothers everywhere you look and feel overwhelmed about the unfairness of it all. You walk around with an empty feeling because a part of you has been rudely taken away.

When I had a miscarriage, I finally knew what a broken heart felt like. Just two days before, I had booked an appointment for a scan to see my baby for the first time. I was excited, dreaming about how I would look with a 'bump' and glad to be alive. I went from exhilaration to trepidation(when I first saw the blood stain) to devastation. I wondered what good could possibly come from this pain. I felt cheated, robbed even.

Ten weeks later (and thirteen pounds heavier!) I chose to move on. In the end, it's a choice we have to make: to be healed again. No one can make you happy and no one can keep you depressed. The power to get out of that slump, the grace to maintain a positive outlook and the will to survive the trying times is in each of us.

Coping Tips

Reach Out & Touch Someone

Having contact with another person is a physical need during grief that can be overlooked. Touching, hugging and holding another person is both comforting and healing.

Here are some great ways to connect with others:

Hold hands with your spouse or a close friend.
Hug and play with children.
Cuddle pets.
Get a massage.
Have a manicure or pedicure.
Have your hair washed and styled at a salon.
Hugs. When you need a hug- ask for one!

culled from hopexchange.com