Miscarrige in Today's World

I just finished reading an article about Celine Dion having a miscarriage and then people were free to post comments about the article.
Reading through the comments I was struck by the diversity of opinion but even more so by the ways such opinions were passionately attacked and defended.
What saddened me more was how many people were quick to judge her for longing to have a second child at 41years and by IVF; people calling for her to get over herself, to adopt, saying her eggs were to old and her body could not carry another pregnancy because of her age. I don't even feel the need to defend her but I feel the need to comment on the attitude that makes it so difficult to talk about miscarriage.

• How am I supposed to grieve the loss of a child I wanted and loved even without knowing when you make me feel that it makes me a selfish, spoiled child?
• Why should I be able to tell you about my miscarriage if, instead of saying "I'm so sorry for your loss", you say. "you can always have another/haven't you considered adoption?"
• How can I experience the catharsis of talking about what happened to me if you feel it is "yucky" and "TMI"?

I really think we need more voices to speak out and change the wrong attitude that stigmatises a legitimate loss thus hindering the ability to heal.

Sending Encouragement

I've been very busy with the Masters programme but my desire to reach out and help people dealing with miscarriage is still very strong. So if there is anyone who is struggling at this time, I would like to send you this card.

http://www.crosscards.co.uk/cards/cardform.aspx?cp=1&iNo=97&No=35

I hope you are able to read and enjoy it.

In Honour Of Pregnancy &Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and in honour of that, I want to share a poem I wrote for the one I lost.

For my Angel.
Like a flash of lightening
You lit up my world and then you were gone
Like the morning dew fall
You came, then vanished with the rising sun

Your life was so brief
You brought me such joy, you left me in pain
It’s so hard to grasp
Why you had to go, no one can explain.

My Angel
I’ll love you forever
My Angel
I’ll forget you never
My Angel
I am a believer
That one day I’ll see you
That one day I’ll hold you
That one day, we’ll always be together.

Risk Factors In Miscarriage (2)

Today I want to discuss the factors that may increase the risk of miscarriage. I must emphasise here that an increased risk does not mean you will definitely have a miscarriage it just means a miscarriage is more likely if you have these risk factors. This is just a guide to help us to reduce the risks and improve our chances of a successful pregnancy.
· Older age – if the mother is over 35 years or the father is over 45years irrespective of mother’s age.
· Previous miscarriage – if you had a miscarriage before the present pregnancy. However, please note that a lot of women whose first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage go on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies.
· Fertility problems – if it took a long time to conceive or if you used assisted methods to conceive.
· Alcohol – if your alcohol consumption is high or you regularly drink large amounts of alcohol. The emphasis here is on the quantity so please don’t beat yourself up about the glass of wine you had when you didn’t know you were pregnant.
· Emotional stress – if the mother and father are not together, if she goes through bereavement or other similar traumatic event or if she’s stressed or anxious about anything in the early weeks of the pregnancy.
· Past Gynaecology issues – a woman who bleeds after intercourse and some cases of previous termination can increase the risk of miscarriage.
A lot of these factors cannot be changed but we can do our best to be as healthy and as happy as possible and remember that a majority of the time, the loss was not our fault.

In Loving Memory

I just watched this video with Avril Lavigne's song for the first time. I found myself fighting tears. I don't mean to share it to make people feel down. In fact, it warms my heart to realise that there's now a song you can listen to or play to honour this kind of loss. I feel it helps to make us all know that we're not alone and we're not abnormal when we cry for the baby we never met but always loved.

I hope you can click on this link and tell me what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSW0oVouxXg

Miscarriage Myths

There are a lot of miscarriage myths and I’d just like to share with you some common ones that DO NOT cause miscarriage.
1. Lifting small children or something heavy. In general, healthy pregnant women may lift 6-10kg in moderation. Chances are that your body would cause you to drop a heavy item before any harm could occur.
2. Stress or working too hard. Many women experience stressful events during pregnancy, and they have perfectly healthy babies in spite of the trauma. However, if you have had recurring miscarriages, talk to your doctor about the recent research that indicates it may be a factor for women who have had multiple miscarriages.
3. Drinking alcohol. Some women agonize over the cocktails or glasses of wine they drank before they knew they were pregnant. A newly forming baby receives so little of its mother’s blood for the first few weeks of pregnancy, that this should not be a cause for concern. To continue drinking throughout the pregnancy however, can cause a serious problem called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
4. Bad eating habits. Forgetting to take your vitamins or failing to eat properly will generally not hurt your baby because your body will rob from you what it needs for the baby (and you will feel the effects).
5. Falling, or getting kicked or hit in the stomach. In most cases, your baby is so well protected in amniotic fluid, that only you would be hurt during a fall or blow to your stomach. You should always seek medical attention if this occurs, but generally these events (especially when they happen in the first trimester) do not cause pregnancy loss.
6. Car accidents. Unless your stomach and uterus become punctured, or you experience a period of time when your heart or breathing stops, it is unlikely that your baby would die.
7. Sex. Lovemaking has no adverse effects on your baby. You may experience spotting after sex, but this is simply because your cervix is very soft and the blood vessels are very prominent and dilated. Unless you have been instructed by your doctor to refrain, there is no reason for concern.
8. Exercise. Working out can actually have benefits for you and your baby if you follow a few, simple rules. Do not raise your heart rate excessively; your doctor can determine your limit. This is not a miscarriage factor, but overdoing it can reduce the amount of oxygen the baby is getting.
Culled from www.hopexchange.com.

Somebody not Nobody

“One of the great diseases is to be nobody to anybody...feeling unwanted, uncared for and deserted” – Mother Theresa.

After a miscarriage, the greatest injustice you can do to the mother is act like the baby was nobody to anyone. To a lot of women they lost a baby (not just a pregnancy) and they need to know that that “fetus” was Somebody.

It is important to us that we know that this baby was not a “nobody” or a “nothing” and that there are people who appreciate and acknowledge that the loss is a genuine one.

If you know anyone that may be grieving, even if she’s putting on a brave face, let her feel validated in your appreciation of the genuineness of her loss.

COMFORT

There’s a comfort that comes after a miscarriage when you hear of or read about another woman’s experience.

The comfort of knowing that we don’t think it was “just a pregnancy that wasn’t meant to be”.

The comfort of knowing that the ache in your heart isn’t abnormal: we’ve all felt it.

The comfort of knowing that you won’t always want to just stay in your pyjamas crying into your ice cream; you will get better.

The comfort of knowing that you are part of an amazing sisterhood: birthed in pain but surrounded with warmth and love.

Take comfort.

Registration Process

I've started my registration process for this NGO here in Nigeria and already there's an issue cos the name I've worked and prayed with for the past year was rejected. For some reason the people at the Corporate Affairs Commission didn't like the "association" at the end of the name we proposed. So we've sent in Miscarriage Support and Information Centre. I guess the "association" will still be under the umbrella of the "centre".
Anyway, i refuse to be discouraged because i know that all things work together for the goood of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose and I strongly believe that I'm working in the purpose of God concerning this matter so I'll have peace.
I have such big dreams for what can be accomplished as we share the love of God and the comfort of the Holy Spirit through this work.

a recent anniversary

Well, 1st oct 2007was to be my due date before the miscarriage so my baby would have been a year old by now. this anniversary is not as hard as the annivesary of the day i actually lost the pregnancy (march 2nd). it was a very hard day.

i remember a poem i saw not long after the miscarriage and i really loved it. it's short and simple but real spoke to my heart, then and now.

HOPE.
Hope abides; therefore I abide.
Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
The black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernatural glory.

Sri Chimnoy.

This Suprised Me

I went out yesterday to my childhood pastor about being on the board of trustees for this ngo as part of its registration and i had to tell him for the first time that i had a miscarriage. this is because i wasn't in the country when it happened and the only people who knew were the people that knew i was even pregnant.
What surprised me was that as i recounted my story, even if it was just a summary and i was more like explaining why i felt this NGO was needed, i found myself fighting tears. I was really surprised to realize that 18months and 1baby later, that loss still hurt me deeply.
I had been reading on another blog (diary of a miscarriage) that you never truly get over it but yesterday it really brought that fact home to me.
I'm grateful that i'm stronger now but i'm also grateful for the pain. I want to always be able to sympathize with the women i help and never forget how much it hurts to lose a pregnancy.

my song

as i lay on the hospital bed after the miscarriage, spent from weeping, i made a decision. my dh had gone home to pick up a few things and get the house ready to bring me home so i was all alone in the room. what was my decision? i sang this song:

My Jesus, my Saviour,
Lord there is none like you
all of my days i want to praise
the wonders of your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter,
Tower of refuge and Strength
let every breath, all that i am never cease to worship you

Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing
Power and majesty, praise to the King
mountains bow down and the seas will roar
at the sound of your name
i sing for joy at the works of your hands
forever i'll love you, forever i'll stand
nothing compares to the promise i have in you.

you see it's easy to praise God when everything is gr8 and exactly as it should be. i still had days of misery and grief after the miscarriage but i made a decision from the beginning that i will hold on to my God. i had lost my baby but i would not lose my faith. and it is that faith that has seen me through.