Choosing to be Whole again

There is no grief that can be compared to the pain of losing your unborn child. I am not in any way minimizing other forms of loss; when you lose a parent, friend or any other loved one, it's hard. You think about the memories you shared and the impact they had on your life. You find yourself in a particular situation and think, "I wish X was here" or "I know what Z would think of this".

When you lose a baby (by miscarriage, stillbirth or early neonatal death) you don't have that 'luxury'. You don't grieve about the past; you mourn the future you will never have with that child. You see pregnant women and nursing mothers everywhere you look and feel overwhelmed about the unfairness of it all. You walk around with an empty feeling because a part of you has been rudely taken away.

When I had a miscarriage, I finally knew what a broken heart felt like. Just two days before, I had booked an appointment for a scan to see my baby for the first time. I was excited, dreaming about how I would look with a 'bump' and glad to be alive. I went from exhilaration to trepidation(when I first saw the blood stain) to devastation. I wondered what good could possibly come from this pain. I felt cheated, robbed even.

Ten weeks later (and thirteen pounds heavier!) I chose to move on. In the end, it's a choice we have to make: to be healed again. No one can make you happy and no one can keep you depressed. The power to get out of that slump, the grace to maintain a positive outlook and the will to survive the trying times is in each of us.