MERRY CHRISTMAS!

http://www.crosscards.com/cards/holidays/christmas/christmas-tree.html

For everyone who has read my blog, for everyone who has posted comments,
For every heart that rejoices and for every heart that still hurts,
For all who have helped me and for all who I've helped,
May 2010 be an even better year than 2009.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Dealing with the disappointment of a loss

I found this Dear Abby letter from a woman who had experienced a miscarriage: http://legacy.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20070312/news_1c12abby.html

DEAR ABBY: I suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago. Since then, it feels like I have suffered one disappointment after another. My sister-in-law – who was supposed to be infertile – is now expecting. The doctors thought she'd had an ectopic pregnancy, so they performed surgery on her only to find that the baby was fine and right where it should be.
I feel so bitter that I am normal and healthy, and my baby died because of random bad luck, whereas her baby is fine after all the trauma she has been through. I have become increasingly angry and unhappy and can no longer see the positive aspects of my life because I spend so much time focusing on the bad. I want to be happy for her and my brother because, surely, this is a miracle baby – but I just can't.
I think I need a dose of good common sense and a swift kick in the rear to get me out of this depression. Would you do the honors?

– Anonymous in the North

Anyone who has been through a miscarriage will immediately sympathise with her feelings of injustice and jealousy; I couldn't bear the sight of a pregnant woman, any pregnant woman for weeks after my miscarriage because i couldn't help but wonder what they did that I didn't and how unfair it all was.

Thankfully, Abby gives very good advice to this woman; she doesn't need a kick up her rear, none of us do. What we need is the opportunity and support to grieve and work through all we are feeling at the time, knowing that we are not bad persons for feeling the way we do and we will not always feel the way we do.

For anyone struggling with feelings of disappointment and resentment as a result of a miscarriage, you are not abnormal and you are not alone. You will get through this.

When you can't shake that sad feeling

After a miscarriage, no matter how painful the loss, life goes on. You probably return to work and get on the affairs of daily life. After a while, you might manage a smile when you greet people as you go about your business and even sometimes, genuine laughter.

What happens when your life seems to have returned to normal but underneath the surface you still have lingering feelings of sadness? What happens in those moments when you are suddenly confronted by the fact that you suffered a loss? What do you do then?

I don't pretend to know what can be done then; I don't pretend to know what causes the sadness to linger. I just want to say that it happens and it doesn't mean you're regressing or that you are unable to move on after the loss. There'll be sad moments and even days and all I can pray is that when those times come, we will have the grace and strength to deal with it, holding on to the hope that this too shall pass.

Miscarrige in Today's World

I just finished reading an article about Celine Dion having a miscarriage and then people were free to post comments about the article.
Reading through the comments I was struck by the diversity of opinion but even more so by the ways such opinions were passionately attacked and defended.
What saddened me more was how many people were quick to judge her for longing to have a second child at 41years and by IVF; people calling for her to get over herself, to adopt, saying her eggs were to old and her body could not carry another pregnancy because of her age. I don't even feel the need to defend her but I feel the need to comment on the attitude that makes it so difficult to talk about miscarriage.

• How am I supposed to grieve the loss of a child I wanted and loved even without knowing when you make me feel that it makes me a selfish, spoiled child?
• Why should I be able to tell you about my miscarriage if, instead of saying "I'm so sorry for your loss", you say. "you can always have another/haven't you considered adoption?"
• How can I experience the catharsis of talking about what happened to me if you feel it is "yucky" and "TMI"?

I really think we need more voices to speak out and change the wrong attitude that stigmatises a legitimate loss thus hindering the ability to heal.

Sending Encouragement

I've been very busy with the Masters programme but my desire to reach out and help people dealing with miscarriage is still very strong. So if there is anyone who is struggling at this time, I would like to send you this card.

http://www.crosscards.co.uk/cards/cardform.aspx?cp=1&iNo=97&No=35

I hope you are able to read and enjoy it.

In Honour Of Pregnancy &Infant Loss Remembrance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and in honour of that, I want to share a poem I wrote for the one I lost.

For my Angel.
Like a flash of lightening
You lit up my world and then you were gone
Like the morning dew fall
You came, then vanished with the rising sun

Your life was so brief
You brought me such joy, you left me in pain
It’s so hard to grasp
Why you had to go, no one can explain.

My Angel
I’ll love you forever
My Angel
I’ll forget you never
My Angel
I am a believer
That one day I’ll see you
That one day I’ll hold you
That one day, we’ll always be together.

Taking Care of Yourself when Grieving

There is a great article on msn health and fitness about this and I would like to share some of their points with you. Even though it's focus is on grieving a loved one at the end of their life, I know that the grief of a miscarriage is just as real and needs to be addressed.

This is just my summary; you can find the full article on http://health.msn.com/health-topics/caregiving/end-of-life/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100245934

First, be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Grief is often described as a syndrome with intense emotional responses but it can also have cognitive, physical and spiritual effects too.
Emotional: You may need to identify and express your feelings as you experience them, be they of sadness, guilt, regret, anger, numbness, fear or even suicidal thoughts. Writing in a journal or finding someone to talk to can be really useful.
Cognitive: You may also find it difficult, in the first few days after the loss, to concentrate on work or any task and you may be more forgetful or have a short attention span.
Physical: Sleep deprivation or excess, changes in appetite, aches and pains and even the ’flu are symptoms that can be attributed to the grieving.
Spiritual: You may be attacked by a crisis of confidence in your spiritual beliefs, you may question your beliefs about the goodness of God and have difficulty making a meaning out of the loss.
Whatever symptoms you feel, be patient with yourself; they will pass with time. Take good care of yourself by ensuring you eat a balanced diet and avoid excessive alcohol (no matter how strongly you are tempted by Ben &Jerry or Johnny Walker).
Take time to meditate and reaffirm your faith and convictions and if you can afford it, pamper yourself with a manicure, a massage or even just a soothing bath. Finally, always remember to ask for help: from your doctor, your religious leader or your family.

Update

Well, I'm happy to report that I have begun a Masters in Public Health programme. I'm really grateful for the opportunity because I believe it will give me the needed skills and knowledge to improve on the work I am doing and will be doing in Nigeria as per promoting the best form of health care for women, starting first of all with women after a miscarriage.

It's been a very busy time of registration and settling in. I hope that I will still make time to update the blog and that I will continue to help those that I can.

A Word of Encouragement

"Do not let ourselves be troubled when we are sometimes beset by adversity; for we know it is meant for our spiritual welfare and carefully proportioned to our needs, and that a limit has been set to it by the wisdom of the same God who has set a bound to the ocean. Sometimes it might seem as if the sea in its fury would overflow and flood the land, but it respects the limits of its shore and its waves break upon the yielding sand. There is no tribulation or temptation whose limits God has not appointed so as to serve not for our destruction but for our salvation."

Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure

I do hope this blesses those who read it.

The Miscarraige Aftermath

An article written by Anne Nordal Broen of the University of Oslo in Norway and published by the American Psychosomatic Society in 2004 provides interesting insights following a study of two groups of women. The first group were women who had suffered a miscarriage and the second were women who had undergone an induced abortion. These women were interviewed to determine the psychological impact of their experiences.

The author questioned the assumption that a miscarriage creates a problem for the woman it happens to while an abortion solves a problem for the woman that chooses it. This assumption, of course fails to consider women who were coerced into the decision by unfavourable circumstances, uncooperative partners or by unfortunate results following genetic testing.

In this study, she excluded abortions due to genetic abnormalities and, as much as possible, late miscarriages. The women were interviewed 10days, 6months and 2years after their experience.
In a lot of the women in the miscarriage group, there were very high levels of what is called intrusion (strong feelings of grief/loss with flashbacks/nightmares/reliving the event) at the 10day interview. Part of what was credited as being responsible for the strong reaction to the experience of a miscarriage is the shock-like event that a miscarriage is; a miscarriage is unexpected and frightening and can shake the most stable of us to the core. This intrusion, however, had remarkably subsided by the 2year interview. Women who did not have the immediate grief reaction after the event were found to suffer higher levels of intrusion at the later interviews.

2years may seem like a long time but the point I want to make is that no matter how bad you feel right now, you will feel better one day. You will always remember the loss but it won’t always hurt this much.

An Important Relationship

I read something credited to John Selby and it really got me thinking. he was talking about how your relationship with yourself is one of the most important relationships in your life and how we need to decide what kind of friend we want to be to ourselves.

I felt deeply convicted as I thought about this because in the first three months or so after my miscarriage I was the worst possible friend to myself: I constantly dredged up all the things I did that may have been responsible for the loss even when I was told it wasn't my fault. I started over-eating and then berated myself for all the weight I had gained to the point that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was a judgemental and critical friend instead of being an encouraging and nurturing friend. The funny thing is, I wouldn't do that to anybody!

If you are in a dark place right now and you feel all alone, like no one understands, try to be understanding and forgiving of yourself for your own sake. Love yourself; be the kind of friend to yourself that you wish your partner, your mother, your girlfriend, your sister would be.

We owe it to ourselves to be our own best friend and not our own worst enemy.

Choosing the Appropriate Management Option

When a woman has been diagnosed with a miscarriage, there are three main methods by which the miscarriage may be managed.

The first is what we call “Expectant management”. In this method, the woman is left to bleed and miscarry naturally. This is usually recommended when a scan shows that a significant amount of tissue and blood has passed out of her womb already. The second is the “Surgical management”. Here, the woman is taken to a theatre and her womb is cleaned out and the contents sucked out with a suction device. In the third method, called the “Medical management”, the woman is given a drug (misoprostol) and this is usually given vaginally to enable the woman to miscarry completely without having to go to theatre.

I will start by saying the good points about each method. Expectant management enables you to be at home, in familiar surroundings and with people you know who love you. The advantage of the surgical intervention is that is gives a sense of finality: when you go home, you know it’s over and you are not dealing with a prolongation of the loss. Medical treatment has been shown in studies to be preferred to surgical in cases where the woman needs the miscarriage to be over quickly.

Unfortunately, no method is perfect. With Expectant management, the bleeding is very heavy with a lot of clots and cramping, much worse than a normal period. Surgical methods may cause a lot of fear in women already disposed to fear of anaesthesia and medical interventions. Also, women report feeling like they were killing their baby or the baby was being ripped out of them; this can be emotionally disturbing. Medical management is fraught with uncertainties and the women have to be monitored for up to 48hours and still may have surgical intervention. An extensive study carried out found that, based on specific criteria, Expectant and Surgical management both had similar success rates of approximately 97% with Medical management having a success rate of about 51%.

At the end of the day, whatever treatment method is chosen, it is important that the woman understands the implications of each choice and is comfortable with the decision that has been taken.

Tears

"When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream, where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy or having a nervous breakdown. My heart is at work. My soul is awake." - Margaret Frik.



After my miscarriage, I wrote in my journal, "I finally know what a broken heart feels like." I cried all the way to the hospital and sobbed as the diagnosis was confirmed. I wept so much that I finally slept off on the hospital bed from sheer exhaustion.

Sadly, by the time I got home, I found that there was no one I felt safe enough with to lose control, let go and let the tears flow. My whole family felt so bad for me and the couple of people that saw me cry were so uncomfortable that I decided to smile and be strong. Isn't that what the song says, "Smile when your heart is breaking"? I don't agree with that song anymore.

When you cry, really cry and let the tears flow, it is the best thing you can do for your grieving heart. You're still dealing with a loss, your womb may still be empty but the tears will do you a world of good.

I like to visualise tears from a broken heart like water on a broken up soil: it makes the soil moist and ready to receive seeds and produce beauty. your heart may be broken but so much beauty can be realised if you let the tears fall. Don't be ashamed to cry; and if you're like me and can't find anyone with whom you feel free enough to soak their shirt with your tears and snot, then turn to the Divine Comforter (who, while he was on earth, wasn't ahsamed to weep in public when he lost his friend) and just cry.

Tears. They are a precious gift. Don't despise them. Don't be afraid of them. Embrace them and let them embrace you.

Good Morning

There's something special about the morning. Whether you've had a sleepless, tear-soaked night or you slept soundly only to awaken to the reality of your present situation and dreams that didn't come true, mornings still mean you have to get out of bed.

Mornings give us a fresh start, a clean slate and the promise of a new beginning. When you wake up to another sunny day, when the dawn breaks after a dark sky, you can hope that maybe, just maybe there'll be laughter today; maybe there'll be good news, an opportunity to grow or just the realisation that the pain isn't as bad as it was yesterday.

There is grace freshly prepared for you every morning like a fresh cup of coffee. All you have to do is say thanks for another morning, drink till you're satisfied and go out and conquer your world. You don't know the morning that will mark the start of the day that changes your life for good.

Have a good morning.

Trying Again After A Loss

A lot goes into the decision to try for another pregnancy after you have experienced a loss. First of all, it is important to be in the best possible state of health (physically) before you try to conceive. This means that your blood work has returned to normal and your doctor has given you a clean bill of health. The time all this will take depends on how far along the pregnancy was in the first place and all, if any, procedures that were used in the management of the loss.

More importantly though, your heart has to be in the right place before you try again. For some women, trying again can be a form of therapy helping them to move on. For others, the pain of the loss and sometimes of knowing that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, makes it harder to even consider trying again for another pregnancy and risking heartbreak and loss again.

Do not neglect to include your partner and his feelings because he has suffered a loss too. It helps to be open with one another and to be on the same page so that you can support each other.

No matter what you decide, it is important to stay hopeful and positive and maintain a great support network to see you through what will most likely be the scary months of pregnancy.

About "What If?" and "If Only"

After a miscarriage it is so easy to wonder "What if...?" and to wish "If only..."

• "What if I had stopped exercising?"
• "If only I didn't stress myself so much at work ".
• "What if I hadn't had sex that day?"
• "If only I didn"t drink so much coffee/wine."

Helen Jaeger, in Paths through Grief offers much-needed insight. She says, " We do not live in alternative worlds where other outcomes are possible. We live here, we live now and, when we are grieving, we live in pain."

Pause and think on that a moment. Then forgive yourself, let go and live free.

A Poem to Share

JESUS, IS HE WITH YOU?
Jesus is he with you?
I wonder every day
I sit and wonder why he's gone
And why he could not stay

Every part of me is empty
I feel I can't go on
But when I look to heaven
I hear this beautiful song

Mommy I am with him
He holds me in his arms
When every I am with him
He keeps me safe and warm

He says you shouldn't worry
I am safe and loved right here
With all the other baby angels
That passed within the years

We have a special place up here
He thought that you should know
Where the Blessed Mother takes your place
For now until you show

When I hear this precious little voice
From the heavens above
I know that all the angels
Are showering him with love

For everyone that wants to hear
Their babies voice so innocent and sweet
Just close your eyes and begin to pray
And embrace them in your sleep.

(c) Angela Gibson All Rights Reserved

Risk Factors In Miscarriage (3)

These are factors that the researchers found had no impact on the risk of having a miscarriage.
· Pregnancy history – the order of the pregnancy i.e. whether the pregnancy was your first, second etc or the time between two pregnancies (i.e. if it was a short interval) regardless of prior outcome.
· Physical stress – working full time, standing or sitting for more than 6hours a day, lifting heavy objects or people (e.g. your children or pets), strenuous exercise are not associated with a poor pregnancy outcome.
· Social class or level of education.
· Occasional alcohol or moderate caffeine consumption were not associated with increased risk. However, you are advised to cut out alcohol, cigarettes and strictly limit caffeine when you are pregnant.
At the end of the day, one can only hope and pray that everything goes well when you are pregnant. Hopefully, more research will be done into this matter so that we learn more and be able to do more.

Just Checking In

I feel really bad that I haven't updated my blog in a while. There have been some issues with my Internet and even now I'm having difficulty uploading the final part of my article on the risk factors in miscarriage.

I am also working on designing a free e-newsletter for doctors where they can receive regular updates and guidelines to promote good practice and I'm hopeful that it will have many subscribers and make the desired impact on the lives of women in Nigeria.

I will try again to post the final part of my article on risk factors.

Risk Factors In Miscarriage (2)

Today I want to discuss the factors that may increase the risk of miscarriage. I must emphasise here that an increased risk does not mean you will definitely have a miscarriage it just means a miscarriage is more likely if you have these risk factors. This is just a guide to help us to reduce the risks and improve our chances of a successful pregnancy.
· Older age – if the mother is over 35 years or the father is over 45years irrespective of mother’s age.
· Previous miscarriage – if you had a miscarriage before the present pregnancy. However, please note that a lot of women whose first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage go on to have normal pregnancies and healthy babies.
· Fertility problems – if it took a long time to conceive or if you used assisted methods to conceive.
· Alcohol – if your alcohol consumption is high or you regularly drink large amounts of alcohol. The emphasis here is on the quantity so please don’t beat yourself up about the glass of wine you had when you didn’t know you were pregnant.
· Emotional stress – if the mother and father are not together, if she goes through bereavement or other similar traumatic event or if she’s stressed or anxious about anything in the early weeks of the pregnancy.
· Past Gynaecology issues – a woman who bleeds after intercourse and some cases of previous termination can increase the risk of miscarriage.
A lot of these factors cannot be changed but we can do our best to be as healthy and as happy as possible and remember that a majority of the time, the loss was not our fault.

Risk Factors in Miscarriage (1)

In 2005, the London School of Hygiene and Tropical medicine carried out a research for the Miscarriage Association and came up with some factors that may increase or decrease the risk of miscarriage. I would like to start by sharing the factors that reduce the risk of miscarriage because I’m sure that is more like what you would want to read about first (I know I would!).

These don’t mean you won’t miscarry but it just means you are less likely to.

· Pregnancy history – if the pregnancy was planned and your last pregnancy ended in a live birth of a baby. Women who experience nausea (i.e. morning sickness) are also less likely to miscarry.
· Emotional state – if you are happy and relaxed.
· Diet – if you take your recommended vitamins (especially folic acid) and have a diet rich in fresh fruits, vegetables, dairy products (milk, cheese, etc) and ... chocolate!
· If you continue to have sexual intercourse as long as there is no bleeding.

Well I guess what the scientists have proven is that, for a successful pregnancy think happy thoughts and bring on the chocolate!

When You Don't Feel Thankful

I've focused recently on the need to have the right perspective and give thanks for what is good in your life instead of fixating on what needs to change.
However, after a pregnancy loss, it may be too hard to be thankful because you are caught up in grief.
As a christian, I felt I had to be thankful and joyful because the Bible says so and on my off days I felt guilty about not being able to maintain an attitude of gratitude. Then I came across 2 verses of Scripture that really gave me comfort and I want to share them with you.

• The LORD is close to the broken-hearted...those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18).
• The LORD says, "I, even I, am the one who comforts you" (Isaiah 51:12).

It's good to know that God is right there, close by and comforting, when you're feeling too down to "count your blessings".

21 Reasons to be Thankful

1. A cool breeze.
2. A gentle rain.
3. A drink of cool water.
4. Air conditioning.
5. Ceiling fans.
6. A good pillow.
7. A comfortable chair.
8. Children laughing.
9. Compliments.
10. Electricity.
11. Computers that work.
12. Remote controls.
13. Clothes that fit well.
14. Comfortable shoes.
15. Good conversation.
16. Laughter.
17. Good friends.
18. Hugs.
19. Warm kisses.
20. Family.
21. Grace.

You can Always have Another

By Nicky Phillips(creative writers at www.morewriting.co.uk) The house was in darkness when Mike arrived home. He found this slightly surprising, because not only was Lucy's car in the drive, but the dog was in his bed, which meant that Lucy wasn't out walking him. It was possible she'd popped in to one of the neighbours for a chat, but Mike thought it unlikely."Hullo, anybody home?""Here," said a sorrowful voice from the study.He found her hunched up in an armchair, hugging her knees. One look told him she'd been crying."Oh sweetheart, what is it? I thought you'd enjoy meeting all the old crowd for lunch. What happened?"He went to put his arm around her, but she shrugged him off."Yes, I was enjoying it; it was great to see them all and we were having fun. I was enjoying it, really, I'd almost forgotten, until ..." Her voice trailed off as her eyes filled with tears."Until what?""Till they said it, that same sentence, the one everybody says thinking it makes me feel better. I hate it, I hate it so much. I don't want 'another'; I want ours, the one we lost."She broke, sobbing uncontrollably, and only then would she let Mike cuddle her.

Six months earlier, Lucy and Mike were thrilled when Lucy discovered she was pregnant. They had been trying for a baby for a few months and were looking forward immensely to the big event.Lucy had noticed some spotting of blood around the time she was expecting her period, so was slightly unsure whether she was pregnant or not until the pregnancy tests left no doubt. There was more spotting four weeks later, but it didn't come to much and books she'd read said it wasn't unheard of, so she carried on as normal. She really didn't want to fuss - there was a whole pregnancy and birth to get through yet - and she didn't want to discuss it with anyone.Lucy mentioned the spotting to the doctor when she saw him. He reassured her that it was quite common and, in most cases, settles down, so she and Mike started to make plans, tell their friends, decorate the bedroom and discuss names.But it wasn't to be. A couple of weeks later Lucy started bleeding - not just spotting - but only lightly. Mike called out the doctor, who told Lucy to see if the pregnancy settled down - at this stage it was a threatened miscarriage.Lucy felt frightened and helpless and knew she could do nothing other than what she'd been told. She didn't want to eat and couldn't sleep; she only wanted time to pass until she was holding her baby in her arms. That, too, wasn't to be.The next day she suffered lower abdominal cramps and the bleeding became severe. The doctor was summoned once more and he immediately called for an ambulance. The paramedics were very reassuring and friendly, and nearly succeeded in taking her mind off what was happening. They chatted easily to her, while seeming genuinely concerned.Soon after arrival at hospital, Lucy passed so much blood, with clots and 'tissue', that it became evident the pregnancy was highly unlikely to continue to full term.A doctor performed an ultrasound scan on her, which confirmed that she had miscarried. He told her that whereas it used to be common for doctors to perform a small operation known as a D&C to clear the uterus after a miscarriage, especially a late one, it is now more common to let nature takes its course. An operation can be performed if there are complications, but generally, the pregnancy matter is passed out naturally, and bleeding will stop in a number of days. The staff were very kind to Lucy and reassured her that there was no reason whatsoever why she wouldn't go on to have a perfectly healthy baby. They told her that as many as one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that it was just one of those things, probably an isolated chromosome fault, and very unlikely to recur. They also reassured her that nothing she had done would have caused it."You can always have another," the nurses said, encouragingly.She hadn't the strength to explain that she didn't want another, she just wanted that one, her baby.Working up some courage, she asked if they would test her, so she would know for sure, but was told that investigations are not usually carried out until you have miscarried three consecutive times. She was given details of counselling services that were available, and promised to consider whether to take them up.She longed to get home, to normality, except normality had just changed, been taken away from her.When the bleeding stopped, Lucy returned to work, thinking that it would help to have her mind occupied.She was struggling at home to be able to talk the whole thing through with Mike - he seemed to want to look forward rather than back. Thoughts about it hung over her the whole time; not an hour passed without her feeling guilty about what had happened. Had she overdone things? Was it the odd glass of wine she'd had before she knew for sure that she was pregnant? Or the x-rays she'd had at the dentist's surgery a couple of months earlier? Was it because she and Mike had continued to have sex after the initial spotting? Should she have refrained from helping Mike decorate the bedroom? Thoughts went round and round her mind, each one making her feel more miserable. She knew in her head that she had done nothing to cause it, but still couldn't help wondering in her heart.Going back to work didn't help her as she thought it might. She had little interest in work or her colleagues. Their attempts at conversation and banter seemed unimportant and irrelevant to her life; in fact, she really had nothing in common with them any more. When they talked of families and children, she felt resentful. She didn't like to admit it, but she knew it was true. Even being out and about was giving her problems. The mere sight of a buggy was enough to cause her to well up or feel angry. How could they have a baby when she couldn’t?Realising she needed help to move forward, Lucy arranged some counselling sessions and also joined The Miscarriage Association, Tel (Helpline): 01924 200799 Web: www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk

And so, sitting in the study after lunch out with her friends on that winter's afternoon, Lucy relaxed against Mike’s strong chest as her sobs lessened and she calmed down. She tried to speak, hesitated, then continued.“You know what time it is, don’t you?”“Well, I know it’ll soon be Christmas.”“Yes, and the time our baby would have been born.”Mike was surprised. He had known the baby would have been due at Christmas, of course he had, but the sudden realisation that Lucy had been dwelling on it gave him an unpleasant jolt.“Darling, of course, I know … but it will be all right, you’ll see, we’ll have …”He stopped, knowing he was making things worse. He and Lucy were trying for another baby, but that itself was difficult. It had taken a while for her to even contemplate sex and now it was just a baby-making process.“Yes, I know, we’ll have a baby one day, of course I want to - that's why I'm happy that we're trying again. Lunch wasn't easy today though, this whole Christmas thing is hard for me. It brought it all back so vividly. And you know that I'm frightened of what may happen next time, don't you?”

The following year, Lucy again met her friends for a pre-Christmas lunch. This time Mike had to be at home to look after Jessica, their beautiful new daughter on whom they both doted. Lucy’s pregnancy had been problem-free and the birth straightforward. How lucky they were.Yet Lucy and Mike never forgot the child that would have been their firstborn.

In Loving Memory

I just watched this video with Avril Lavigne's song for the first time. I found myself fighting tears. I don't mean to share it to make people feel down. In fact, it warms my heart to realise that there's now a song you can listen to or play to honour this kind of loss. I feel it helps to make us all know that we're not alone and we're not abnormal when we cry for the baby we never met but always loved.

I hope you can click on this link and tell me what you think.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSW0oVouxXg

Hurrah! We're Official

Yes, it's official: the Miscarriage Support and Information Center has been registered and confirmed by the Corporate Affairs Commission!

I'm so grateful to God and I'm looking forward to all I'll be doing over the next few months.

Inspired by Psalm 102

This is a poem for all the women out there struggling. Sending Much Love.

SHE WEEPS, SHE PRAYS.

Hear her prayer O Lord

Her heart is stricken within her

Hear her cry O Lord

She has mingled her drink with tears

Hear her groans O Lord

She lies awake grieving.

Let it be said that You heard

Let it be written that You answered

Let it be known that You showed mercy.

Her time for favour has come

It's time for her morning to dawn.

"It could be worse!"

It's easy to be distracted by what we don't have, where we wish we were or when our sorrows or trials will end.

No matter what your distractions may be, one of the secrets to contentment is knowing that it could be worse.

I saw this story in the devotional "The Word For Today": Snoopy was lying in his dog house one Thanksgiving Day, mumbling about being stuck with the dog food while all those humans got to be inside with the turkey and the gravy and the pumpkin pie. "Of course it could be worse", he finally reflected, "I could have been born a turkey".

Smile.

And count your blessings.

What We Can Offer

I saw this inspirational poem and I thought it would be great to share it. I love it because it shows me that no matter who you are or where you are, every one has something to offer their world. I hope you will enjoy it as I did.

GIVE...

Give strength, give thought,

give deeds, give wealth;

Give love, give tears and give thyself.

Give, give, be always giving.

Who gives not is not living;

The more you give, the more you live.

(poet unknown)

This Life

I saw this quote by Mother Theresa: "Life us an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is beauty, admire it. Life is bliss, taste it. Life is a dream, realise it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it."
Every morning when we wake up, we awake to new challenges and fresh opportunities. We can't be our best today if we are caught up in yesterday's drama or obsessing about tomorrow's issues.
After a miscarriage or any loss, it is easy to either live in yesterday (going over what happened, why it happened &how it changed your life) or worrying about tomorrow (will it happen again, will you ever get better). Neither will help; rather they will steal today from you. And honestly, today is all we've got.
So embrace Life.

THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (2)

Continuing from where we left off, I have 2 more steps for you to consider.

3. The Due date: even if you’re already pregnant by then, it’s still hard. It’s hard because you know that you should be holding a baby in your arms by now and you’re not. If you’re lucky, you’ll be so distracted that the day will go by before you realise its significance. More often than not, you’ll remember the date.
My advice is, don’t spend time in apprehension as the day approaches. Plan something special for that day with your husband/ mother/ girlfriend(s). Celebrate life on that day.

4. The first time you acknowledge the loss: in the weeks and months that follow a miscarriage, all you do is think about it. You want to go over what happened, you want to see what you did wrong, you want to understand why. If you’re lucky, you’ll have someone’s ear to talk off in the process.
But I’m talking about the 1st time you have to tell someone who didn’t know that you had a miscarriage. For me it was at the clinic, giving my reproductive history and again with my pastor (blogged about the second one on an older post). It’s hard because most times you think you have moved on (hence the decision to talk about it). But acknowledging that loss brings all those old feelings back to the surface as you remember how hard it was for you.
It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve relapsed to (in my case!) your pyjama-wearing, Pringles-munching days. It just means you lost something precious and your heart knows it.

So, for those of you who thought you were the only ones going through this stuff, you’re not alone. For those of you at the start of this journey, hope this helps you get to the other side safely. And for our friends and loved ones, hope this information helps you to be even better friends to us.

THE MISCARRIAGE RITES OF PASSAGE (1)

After my miscarriage, there were experiences I went through that I wasn’t prepared for. Then I realised that these were milestones in the lives of women after a miscarriage and passing through them was part of arriving at a final destination of healing and wholeness.

1. My first period: if there was anything that marked the end finality of the loss it was finding out that “Aunty Flo” was in town. I had been happily pregnant and blissfully anticipating 9 period-free months that were not to be.
You have two ways to respond when this day comes: you could interpret it as your body giving you a rude slap and screaming at you, “You’re NOT pregnant” or you could interpret it as your body giving you a wake-up call and saying, “Are we ready to try again? Come on, it’ll be fun!”

2. The first pregnant woman I saw: it was different for me because after the miscarriage I became a recluse and would not go out. I could afford to because I had exams so I stayed in and tried to study. However that didn’t stop this milestone from meeting me. I was watching the telly and there were, not one but TWO celebrities pregnant and due around what would have been my due date! There they were, happily chatting to interviewers and whoever would care to listen about how excited they were and how the pregnancy was affecting work and how wonderful the world was. It was all I could do not to scream at the TV!
You will run into someone you know who is pregnant or someone who knows someone that’s pregnant. And they’ll rattle on, blissfully unaware; and you’ll be tempted to scream or to tell them to shut up. You will feel overwhelmed by the unfairness of it all and wonder what you did to deserve it. The important thing is to decide beforehand that if and when that day comes, you’ll be gracious and celebrate your fellow sister’s good fortune because you appreciate how precious that gift is.
So she’s pregnant and you’re not. That doesn’t make her better than you; it just makes her pregnant.

to be continued...

Something for the Health care providers

I was just musing about some tendencies I had as a medical student and a doctor that are now being changed because of my experience of a miscarriage.

It's so easy to turn patients in our care into goods on a conveyor belt ("take this drug and see you in 2weeks. NEXT!"). But they are people just like us and no matter how overworked and undervalued we feel, we need to remember that that's a woman who just lost a baby (NOT "the Missed Ab in room 12"!).

After a miscarriage, it's not enough to clear out all the retained contents, prevent infection, control pain and discharge home. Some patients may want you to sit with them so they can cry and ask, "Why?" They want you to accept them on their own terms and treat them with dignity.

So, when you go on your next ward round, spare a thought for the woman on the bed; forget about impressing your Consultant or showing off your excellent clinical skills and use that opportunity to boost her morale.

We can make a difference.

Excerpts from my Literature Review.

As you may know, I'm working on a research project here in Nigeria. Decided to share a sneak peak for the more academically inclined of my readers. Thanks for reading.

The World Health Organisation defines health as “a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity”. The miscarriage process itself affects the physical well-being: abdominal cramps, blood loss and falling pregnancy hormones. The mental well-being is undermined by the psychological trauma of loss and the heartbreaking experience of ending a pregnancy without a baby to hold. The social well-being is impacted because people in the patient’s social circle who have not experienced a miscarriage themselves may find it hard to empathise with what has occurred and how upsetting it may be; this may lead to unrealistic expectations of her recovery and/or avoidance of the issue, making the woman feel particularly isolated.

There usually are culturally appropriate accounts produced by individuals and societies about why miscarriages happen; these accounts may be used to excuse or blame women for miscarrying. In some villages in the Western part of Nigeria, miscarriage is attributed to spirits where traditional birth attendants have been known to advice the women to avoid movements in the midday and at nights because those are the times the evil spirits that can harm a pregnancy also move around. In Orba and Nsukka towns of Enugu state in the Eastern part of Nigeria, pregnant women are encouraged to eat a lot of ewedu, a vegetable believed to prevent miscarriage. The Journal of Medicinal Food has revealed Ewedu to be a good source of Iron while the African Journal of Biotechnology states that it may arrest threatened miscarriage specifically due to malnutrition or infections. In a study conducted in tertiary care centres in South-Eastern Nigeria, it was found that there was a drop in coital frequency in about 72% of the male partners of pregnant women; a significant predictor of reduced coital frequency was the belief that sex in pregnancy could cause miscarriage.

Being Loved

A 9year-old boy said to his mum one night at bedtime, "Mommy, do you know what I love?"
"What do you love?" She asked quietly.
"I love being loved," he replied. "Yep, I really love being loved."

Isn't that true for all of us? We want to know that we are loved...not just in our heads; we want it to be obvious. I think that's why a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss shakes us so much; it makes us question if God truly loves us. After all, if He did love us we won't have been put through such loss and grief. But I am convinced that God does love us; He is right there with you when your heart is broken. You can feel safe and content in His love and know that there's nothing you can do to make Him love you more or less than He does right now.

You are loved; look around you and you will see how He has filled your life with love...your partner, friends, parents, pets...love is all around.

So like that 9year old, sit back contentedly and enjoy being loved.

Joyful anticipation

“Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it’s still dark.”

I think that is such a beautiful quote. Hope doesn’t wait for the light in order to sing; it sings because the light is coming. The beauty of hope is in its ability to make you live in joyful anticipation of a brighter day.

Embrace Hope: it makes the night time pass more quickly.

From God’s Perspective

“We want you to be quite certain, brothers, about those who have died, to make sure that you do not grieve about them, like the other people who have no hope” (Thessalonians 4:13 JB).

The Thessalonian church had buried her share of loved ones. And the apostle wanted the members who remained to be at peace regarding the ones who had gone ahead. Many of you have buried loved ones as well. And just as God spoke to them, he speaks to you.

If you’ll celebrate a marriage anniversary alone this year, he speaks to you.

If your child made it to heaven before making it to kindergarten, he speaks to you.

If you lost a loved one in violence, if you learned more than you want to know about disease, if your dreams were buried as they lowered the casket, God speaks to you.

He speaks to all of us who have stood or will stand in the soft dirt near an open grave. And to us he gives this confident word: “I want you to know what happens to a Christian when he dies so that when it happens, you will not be full of sorrow, as those who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and then came back to life again, we can also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him all the Christians who have died” (1 Thess. 4:13–14 TLB).

God transforms our hopeless grief into hope-filled grief. How? By telling us that we will see our loved ones again.

Isn’t that what we want to believe? We long to know that our loved ones are safe in death. We long for the reassurance that the soul goes immediately to be with God. But dare we believe it? Can we believe it? According to the Bible we can.

Scripture is surprisingly quiet about this phase of our lives. When speaking about the period between the death of the body and the resurrection of the body, the Bible doesn’t shout; it just whispers. But at the confluence of these whispers, a firm voice is heard. This authoritative voice assures us that at death the Christian immediately enters into the presence of God and enjoys conscious fellowship with the Father and with those who have gone before.

Where do I get such ideas? Listen to some of the whispers:

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.
(Phil. 1:21–23 NIV)

We don’t like to say good-bye to those we love. But if what the Bible says about heaven is true, and I believe it is, then the ultimate prayer, the ultimate answered prayer, is heaven.

It is right for us to weep, but there is no need for us to despair. They had pain here. They have no pain there. They struggled here. They have no struggles there. You and I might wonder why God took them home. But they don’t. They understand. They are, at this very moment, at peace in the presence of God.

by Max Lucado

Miscarriage Myths

There are a lot of miscarriage myths and I’d just like to share with you some common ones that DO NOT cause miscarriage.
1. Lifting small children or something heavy. In general, healthy pregnant women may lift 6-10kg in moderation. Chances are that your body would cause you to drop a heavy item before any harm could occur.
2. Stress or working too hard. Many women experience stressful events during pregnancy, and they have perfectly healthy babies in spite of the trauma. However, if you have had recurring miscarriages, talk to your doctor about the recent research that indicates it may be a factor for women who have had multiple miscarriages.
3. Drinking alcohol. Some women agonize over the cocktails or glasses of wine they drank before they knew they were pregnant. A newly forming baby receives so little of its mother’s blood for the first few weeks of pregnancy, that this should not be a cause for concern. To continue drinking throughout the pregnancy however, can cause a serious problem called Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.
4. Bad eating habits. Forgetting to take your vitamins or failing to eat properly will generally not hurt your baby because your body will rob from you what it needs for the baby (and you will feel the effects).
5. Falling, or getting kicked or hit in the stomach. In most cases, your baby is so well protected in amniotic fluid, that only you would be hurt during a fall or blow to your stomach. You should always seek medical attention if this occurs, but generally these events (especially when they happen in the first trimester) do not cause pregnancy loss.
6. Car accidents. Unless your stomach and uterus become punctured, or you experience a period of time when your heart or breathing stops, it is unlikely that your baby would die.
7. Sex. Lovemaking has no adverse effects on your baby. You may experience spotting after sex, but this is simply because your cervix is very soft and the blood vessels are very prominent and dilated. Unless you have been instructed by your doctor to refrain, there is no reason for concern.
8. Exercise. Working out can actually have benefits for you and your baby if you follow a few, simple rules. Do not raise your heart rate excessively; your doctor can determine your limit. This is not a miscarriage factor, but overdoing it can reduce the amount of oxygen the baby is getting.
Culled from www.hopexchange.com.

A poem I wrote

TRUST
When I look out at the stormy sea
When darkness is all I can see
When the dark clouds gather
Hiding the sunshine from my view

When my friends are not around
When the loneliness compounds
As the dark clouds gather
Hiding the sunshine from my view

I’ll trust in you,
I’ll look to you,
I’ll hope on you,
My Lord.

Hello all

Well, it's been a while since I last posted anything, mainly because my home Internet is acting up plus I'm preparing for some medical board exams in addition to work, my research project and home life (multi-tasking!).

I just want to share something beautiful I read in a devotional called The Word for Today:

"The word for you today is, 'do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; neither be disgraced...you will forget the shame of your youth'. You can't go back and make things different...sometimes...we cling to certain things because we fear we'll never be able to replace them. No...you haven't seen your best days yet. There's more ahead of you than behind you."

I think we can all draw some comfort and inspiration from these words.

More Coping Tips

Here are some tips if you are coping with depression:
• Resist the temptation to be alone! Do not cut yourself from others...you need them now more than ever. You need people you can talk to when you feel it’s too much for you to bear.
• Connect with the ones you love. Feeling love and support from family members, friends, your spouse and God can help. Let them shower you with attention and gifts; or if you’re a nurturer, feel free to take care of them.
• Pray and meditate. Read positive books and quotations. My blog is full of that kind of stuff!
• Return to work. If you have not already done so, returning to a productive and structured work day can help alleviate depression. This safe environment can provide friendly support as well as a feeling of returning to ‘normal’. Day-to-day tasks will also distract your mind from grief.
• Stay away from excesses such as alcohol, excessive eating, illegal drugs, overworking or promiscuity. These things are only temporary escapes and they can be harmful to your physical and emotional wellbeing. Did the overeating thing...it did NOT work and ended up feeling guilty.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help! If you have several symptoms that persist for several weeks, get professional help immediately. There are treatments and medications that can help. It is not a sign of weakness and nothing is wrong with you...it just means you can’t cope on your own at this time.

As my people will say...e go beta!
Culled from www.hopexchange.com

Choosing to be Whole again

There is no grief that can be compared to the pain of losing your unborn child. I am not in any way minimizing other forms of loss; when you lose a parent, friend or any other loved one, it's hard. You think about the memories you shared and the impact they had on your life. You find yourself in a particular situation and think, "I wish X was here" or "I know what Z would think of this".

When you lose a baby (by miscarriage, stillbirth or early neonatal death) you don't have that 'luxury'. You don't grieve about the past; you mourn the future you will never have with that child. You see pregnant women and nursing mothers everywhere you look and feel overwhelmed about the unfairness of it all. You walk around with an empty feeling because a part of you has been rudely taken away.

When I had a miscarriage, I finally knew what a broken heart felt like. Just two days before, I had booked an appointment for a scan to see my baby for the first time. I was excited, dreaming about how I would look with a 'bump' and glad to be alive. I went from exhilaration to trepidation(when I first saw the blood stain) to devastation. I wondered what good could possibly come from this pain. I felt cheated, robbed even.

Ten weeks later (and thirteen pounds heavier!) I chose to move on. In the end, it's a choice we have to make: to be healed again. No one can make you happy and no one can keep you depressed. The power to get out of that slump, the grace to maintain a positive outlook and the will to survive the trying times is in each of us.