I read something credited to John Selby and it really got me thinking. he was talking about how your relationship with yourself is one of the most important relationships in your life and how we need to decide what kind of friend we want to be to ourselves.
I felt deeply convicted as I thought about this because in the first three months or so after my miscarriage I was the worst possible friend to myself: I constantly dredged up all the things I did that may have been responsible for the loss even when I was told it wasn't my fault. I started over-eating and then berated myself for all the weight I had gained to the point that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I was a judgemental and critical friend instead of being an encouraging and nurturing friend. The funny thing is, I wouldn't do that to anybody!
If you are in a dark place right now and you feel all alone, like no one understands, try to be understanding and forgiving of yourself for your own sake. Love yourself; be the kind of friend to yourself that you wish your partner, your mother, your girlfriend, your sister would be.
We owe it to ourselves to be our own best friend and not our own worst enemy.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Choosing the Appropriate Management Option
When a woman has been diagnosed with a miscarriage, there are three main methods by which the miscarriage may be managed.
The first is what we call “Expectant management”. In this method, the woman is left to bleed and miscarry naturally. This is usually recommended when a scan shows that a significant amount of tissue and blood has passed out of her womb already. The second is the “Surgical management”. Here, the woman is taken to a theatre and her womb is cleaned out and the contents sucked out with a suction device. In the third method, called the “Medical management”, the woman is given a drug (misoprostol) and this is usually given vaginally to enable the woman to miscarry completely without having to go to theatre.
I will start by saying the good points about each method. Expectant management enables you to be at home, in familiar surroundings and with people you know who love you. The advantage of the surgical intervention is that is gives a sense of finality: when you go home, you know it’s over and you are not dealing with a prolongation of the loss. Medical treatment has been shown in studies to be preferred to surgical in cases where the woman needs the miscarriage to be over quickly.
Unfortunately, no method is perfect. With Expectant management, the bleeding is very heavy with a lot of clots and cramping, much worse than a normal period. Surgical methods may cause a lot of fear in women already disposed to fear of anaesthesia and medical interventions. Also, women report feeling like they were killing their baby or the baby was being ripped out of them; this can be emotionally disturbing. Medical management is fraught with uncertainties and the women have to be monitored for up to 48hours and still may have surgical intervention. An extensive study carried out found that, based on specific criteria, Expectant and Surgical management both had similar success rates of approximately 97% with Medical management having a success rate of about 51%.
At the end of the day, whatever treatment method is chosen, it is important that the woman understands the implications of each choice and is comfortable with the decision that has been taken.
The first is what we call “Expectant management”. In this method, the woman is left to bleed and miscarry naturally. This is usually recommended when a scan shows that a significant amount of tissue and blood has passed out of her womb already. The second is the “Surgical management”. Here, the woman is taken to a theatre and her womb is cleaned out and the contents sucked out with a suction device. In the third method, called the “Medical management”, the woman is given a drug (misoprostol) and this is usually given vaginally to enable the woman to miscarry completely without having to go to theatre.
I will start by saying the good points about each method. Expectant management enables you to be at home, in familiar surroundings and with people you know who love you. The advantage of the surgical intervention is that is gives a sense of finality: when you go home, you know it’s over and you are not dealing with a prolongation of the loss. Medical treatment has been shown in studies to be preferred to surgical in cases where the woman needs the miscarriage to be over quickly.
Unfortunately, no method is perfect. With Expectant management, the bleeding is very heavy with a lot of clots and cramping, much worse than a normal period. Surgical methods may cause a lot of fear in women already disposed to fear of anaesthesia and medical interventions. Also, women report feeling like they were killing their baby or the baby was being ripped out of them; this can be emotionally disturbing. Medical management is fraught with uncertainties and the women have to be monitored for up to 48hours and still may have surgical intervention. An extensive study carried out found that, based on specific criteria, Expectant and Surgical management both had similar success rates of approximately 97% with Medical management having a success rate of about 51%.
At the end of the day, whatever treatment method is chosen, it is important that the woman understands the implications of each choice and is comfortable with the decision that has been taken.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tears
"When tears come, I breathe deeply and rest. I know I am swimming in a hallowed stream, where many have gone before. I am not alone, crazy or having a nervous breakdown. My heart is at work. My soul is awake." - Margaret Frik.
After my miscarriage, I wrote in my journal, "I finally know what a broken heart feels like." I cried all the way to the hospital and sobbed as the diagnosis was confirmed. I wept so much that I finally slept off on the hospital bed from sheer exhaustion.
Sadly, by the time I got home, I found that there was no one I felt safe enough with to lose control, let go and let the tears flow. My whole family felt so bad for me and the couple of people that saw me cry were so uncomfortable that I decided to smile and be strong. Isn't that what the song says, "Smile when your heart is breaking"? I don't agree with that song anymore.
When you cry, really cry and let the tears flow, it is the best thing you can do for your grieving heart. You're still dealing with a loss, your womb may still be empty but the tears will do you a world of good.
I like to visualise tears from a broken heart like water on a broken up soil: it makes the soil moist and ready to receive seeds and produce beauty. your heart may be broken but so much beauty can be realised if you let the tears fall. Don't be ashamed to cry; and if you're like me and can't find anyone with whom you feel free enough to soak their shirt with your tears and snot, then turn to the Divine Comforter (who, while he was on earth, wasn't ahsamed to weep in public when he lost his friend) and just cry.
Tears. They are a precious gift. Don't despise them. Don't be afraid of them. Embrace them and let them embrace you.
After my miscarriage, I wrote in my journal, "I finally know what a broken heart feels like." I cried all the way to the hospital and sobbed as the diagnosis was confirmed. I wept so much that I finally slept off on the hospital bed from sheer exhaustion.
Sadly, by the time I got home, I found that there was no one I felt safe enough with to lose control, let go and let the tears flow. My whole family felt so bad for me and the couple of people that saw me cry were so uncomfortable that I decided to smile and be strong. Isn't that what the song says, "Smile when your heart is breaking"? I don't agree with that song anymore.
When you cry, really cry and let the tears flow, it is the best thing you can do for your grieving heart. You're still dealing with a loss, your womb may still be empty but the tears will do you a world of good.
I like to visualise tears from a broken heart like water on a broken up soil: it makes the soil moist and ready to receive seeds and produce beauty. your heart may be broken but so much beauty can be realised if you let the tears fall. Don't be ashamed to cry; and if you're like me and can't find anyone with whom you feel free enough to soak their shirt with your tears and snot, then turn to the Divine Comforter (who, while he was on earth, wasn't ahsamed to weep in public when he lost his friend) and just cry.
Tears. They are a precious gift. Don't despise them. Don't be afraid of them. Embrace them and let them embrace you.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Good Morning
There's something special about the morning. Whether you've had a sleepless, tear-soaked night or you slept soundly only to awaken to the reality of your present situation and dreams that didn't come true, mornings still mean you have to get out of bed.
Mornings give us a fresh start, a clean slate and the promise of a new beginning. When you wake up to another sunny day, when the dawn breaks after a dark sky, you can hope that maybe, just maybe there'll be laughter today; maybe there'll be good news, an opportunity to grow or just the realisation that the pain isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
There is grace freshly prepared for you every morning like a fresh cup of coffee. All you have to do is say thanks for another morning, drink till you're satisfied and go out and conquer your world. You don't know the morning that will mark the start of the day that changes your life for good.
Have a good morning.
Mornings give us a fresh start, a clean slate and the promise of a new beginning. When you wake up to another sunny day, when the dawn breaks after a dark sky, you can hope that maybe, just maybe there'll be laughter today; maybe there'll be good news, an opportunity to grow or just the realisation that the pain isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
There is grace freshly prepared for you every morning like a fresh cup of coffee. All you have to do is say thanks for another morning, drink till you're satisfied and go out and conquer your world. You don't know the morning that will mark the start of the day that changes your life for good.
Have a good morning.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Trying Again After A Loss
A lot goes into the decision to try for another pregnancy after you have experienced a loss. First of all, it is important to be in the best possible state of health (physically) before you try to conceive. This means that your blood work has returned to normal and your doctor has given you a clean bill of health. The time all this will take depends on how far along the pregnancy was in the first place and all, if any, procedures that were used in the management of the loss.
More importantly though, your heart has to be in the right place before you try again. For some women, trying again can be a form of therapy helping them to move on. For others, the pain of the loss and sometimes of knowing that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, makes it harder to even consider trying again for another pregnancy and risking heartbreak and loss again.
Do not neglect to include your partner and his feelings because he has suffered a loss too. It helps to be open with one another and to be on the same page so that you can support each other.
No matter what you decide, it is important to stay hopeful and positive and maintain a great support network to see you through what will most likely be the scary months of pregnancy.
More importantly though, your heart has to be in the right place before you try again. For some women, trying again can be a form of therapy helping them to move on. For others, the pain of the loss and sometimes of knowing that there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it, makes it harder to even consider trying again for another pregnancy and risking heartbreak and loss again.
Do not neglect to include your partner and his feelings because he has suffered a loss too. It helps to be open with one another and to be on the same page so that you can support each other.
No matter what you decide, it is important to stay hopeful and positive and maintain a great support network to see you through what will most likely be the scary months of pregnancy.
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