Coping Tips

Reach Out & Touch Someone

Having contact with another person is a physical need during grief that can be overlooked. Touching, hugging and holding another person is both comforting and healing.

Here are some great ways to connect with others:

Hold hands with your spouse or a close friend.
Hug and play with children.
Cuddle pets.
Get a massage.
Have a manicure or pedicure.
Have your hair washed and styled at a salon.
Hugs. When you need a hug- ask for one!

culled from hopexchange.com

This Christmas

Did some Christmas shopping today (I know...I’m late aren’t I?). One of the people I shopped for is a lovely lady that has been of tremendous help to me on my regular job. She confided in me the first day we met how she’s been married for four years and still trying for a baby.

2 weeks ago I met a receptionist where I work (at the staff clinic) who came to see me excited cos she believed she was pregnant (had all the signs). I’d sent her back for some tests and was to review the result but she didn’t return. Went to see her today and it turns out that she started bleeding heavily a few days after we saw and didn’t have the heart to return because she knew she’d lost the pregnancy.

This Christmas I realise that there are many hurting women for whom this time will not be all laughter and fun but a time with moments of pain. I want to use this opportunity to say that you all are in my prayers.I pray you’ll “have yourselves a merry little Christmas” and that “next year all your troubles will be out of sight”.

Somebody not Nobody

“One of the great diseases is to be nobody to anybody...feeling unwanted, uncared for and deserted” – Mother Theresa.

After a miscarriage, the greatest injustice you can do to the mother is act like the baby was nobody to anyone. To a lot of women they lost a baby (not just a pregnancy) and they need to know that that “fetus” was Somebody.

It is important to us that we know that this baby was not a “nobody” or a “nothing” and that there are people who appreciate and acknowledge that the loss is a genuine one.

If you know anyone that may be grieving, even if she’s putting on a brave face, let her feel validated in your appreciation of the genuineness of her loss.

COMFORT

There’s a comfort that comes after a miscarriage when you hear of or read about another woman’s experience.

The comfort of knowing that we don’t think it was “just a pregnancy that wasn’t meant to be”.

The comfort of knowing that the ache in your heart isn’t abnormal: we’ve all felt it.

The comfort of knowing that you won’t always want to just stay in your pyjamas crying into your ice cream; you will get better.

The comfort of knowing that you are part of an amazing sisterhood: birthed in pain but surrounded with warmth and love.

Take comfort.

We're all the same

Many people may not understand or even agree with what i'm trying to accomplish here in Nigeria. In fact, the O&G consultant i worked under during my internship is convinced i'm wasting my time and support services for women after a miscarriage are unnecessary. I, on the other hand am convinced that they are.

I remember a story recounted by an author and preacher, Walter Trobisch in an old book i fished out from my mum's box not too long ago. While preaching in a church in a country in Africa, he used, as a preaching aid, a song from the musical “Fiddler on the roof” by Joseph Stein. After the service, an aged woman (using a translator), quoted a line in the song back to him, saying that it had touched her in a special way. He stated, “if a line from a modern American musical with a Jewish background, taking place in Russia, touches an almost seventy-year old widow who grew up in the African bush- the hearts of people must be the same all over the world. The differences are on the surfaces. Deep down there is nothing but that naked human heart – longing, fearing, hoping – the same wherever it beats”.

It is my earnest conviction that the results of this work will go a long way in healing hearts. I pray it does.

a prayer

This prayer was composed with help from different sources and I hope people will find it helpful.

Lord I come to you for I am heavy-laden and overburdened: cause me to rest. Relieve and refresh my soul; lift me up for I am bowed down. Lord, let your presence remain with me that I may be still and rest in you. I hope in you, God and wait expectantly for you; for you are the help of my countenance and my God. Therefore I know I shall yet praise you.

GRIEF AND RAIN

In the early hours of Thursday morning, it rained, suddenly and heavily for a couple of hours. However, by afternoon, the brilliance of the sun had removed almost every reminder of the fallen rain. We are not avid followers of the weather in Nigeria but rain in November is scarce as we are now in the Dry season (a.k.a harmattan).
On Friday, I was at work and, being a slow morning, was distracting myself with a soap opera that was on TV in the common room. Then there was a scene where a woman was having a miscarriage. She’d been on bedrest for bleeding in pregnancy and then suddenly started having cramps. She called out to her partner who rushed to her side and tried to hold and comfort her as she writhed in agony, crying.
I felt a sudden stab in my heart and a lump in my throat as I was taken back to the day when I was writhing in agony as my ‘light spotting’ became painful cramps. I remembered my dh trying to hold and comfort me as I wept and felt my baby pass out me. I had to look away to compose myself.
A few hours later, I contemplated how this grief, sudden and unexpected, was like the rain the day before. You may think the season of grief is over but suddenly, without warning, something triggers it again. But when u open up to the warmth of the sun (the love of God, family &friends) you will be able to live in the light and walk without falling in to puddles.

aspirations for the month

I have quite a few goals for this month. The project i've been working on has taken a bit of a back seat due to my being so busy with work and family but i really want to get on track. So i was able to drop off some questionnairres and need to really get out and start collating the data so that i can compile the results by the end of the month. I also need to organise a Focus Group Discussion with women that have experienced a miscarriage in order to buttress my points in the study that women need that support network to successfully heal completely after a miscarriage.
I have a lot to do but i'm excited and hopeful that i'll get it all done and that the influence of this work will make a significant impact.
Will definitely post my findings here as well.

About Obama and the Audacity of Hope

The election of Senator Barack Obama as the 44th President of the USA has inspired millions beyond the shores of his nation; it certainly has inspired me.

His victory makes it clear that, as he said, "there's no destiny we cannot fulfil". I will pursue my dream and work at it with passion, dedication and diligence. I am hopeful that all my dreams for MiSIA can and will come to pass and that lives, and hence the nation, will be changed because of this work.

We all can afford to dream and aspire to fulfill our destinies.

Yes We Can!

Registration Process

I've started my registration process for this NGO here in Nigeria and already there's an issue cos the name I've worked and prayed with for the past year was rejected. For some reason the people at the Corporate Affairs Commission didn't like the "association" at the end of the name we proposed. So we've sent in Miscarriage Support and Information Centre. I guess the "association" will still be under the umbrella of the "centre".
Anyway, i refuse to be discouraged because i know that all things work together for the goood of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose and I strongly believe that I'm working in the purpose of God concerning this matter so I'll have peace.
I have such big dreams for what can be accomplished as we share the love of God and the comfort of the Holy Spirit through this work.

Challenges promoting Babyloss Awareness

wednesday 15th october is the Pregnancy &Infant Loss Remembrance Day. i was hoping i would be able to put out some information and create awareness here in Nigeria but it's been quite challenging.
first sent some articles to two women's magazines based here but got no response from them. then had an idea this morning to go to some churches around and le the pastors knopw so they can say a prayer for the families dealing with such loss (just a general prayer) but because of local council elections taking place in lagos today there is no movement till 4pm so i'm not sure how much i'll be able to do.
will definitely spend time on that day to pray about this work and also for women suffering this pain.....it's the least i can do.

a recent anniversary

Well, 1st oct 2007was to be my due date before the miscarriage so my baby would have been a year old by now. this anniversary is not as hard as the annivesary of the day i actually lost the pregnancy (march 2nd). it was a very hard day.

i remember a poem i saw not long after the miscarriage and i really loved it. it's short and simple but real spoke to my heart, then and now.

HOPE.
Hope abides; therefore I abide.
Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
The black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernatural glory.

Sri Chimnoy.

My Work

Like I said in my first post, this blog is to chronicle my journey to making miscarriage support a relevant service to women in Nigeria. In order to accomplish this, I decided to conduct a study to confirm the emotional issues we face after a miscarriage as a valid need among the women here.
I decided that i needed an experienced doctor who would act as my supervisor on this project so as to give it credibility. As only God can do, I ended up getting a top professor who is interested in this work. I was amazed by this favour that God showed me and i do believe that it is going to be a fruitful relationship.
Went to his office today to drop of my planned methodology and a draft of the questionnaire. I wonder what he'll think. Well, I'll know on monday.

This Suprised Me

I went out yesterday to my childhood pastor about being on the board of trustees for this ngo as part of its registration and i had to tell him for the first time that i had a miscarriage. this is because i wasn't in the country when it happened and the only people who knew were the people that knew i was even pregnant.
What surprised me was that as i recounted my story, even if it was just a summary and i was more like explaining why i felt this NGO was needed, i found myself fighting tears. I was really surprised to realize that 18months and 1baby later, that loss still hurt me deeply.
I had been reading on another blog (diary of a miscarriage) that you never truly get over it but yesterday it really brought that fact home to me.
I'm grateful that i'm stronger now but i'm also grateful for the pain. I want to always be able to sympathize with the women i help and never forget how much it hurts to lose a pregnancy.

my song

as i lay on the hospital bed after the miscarriage, spent from weeping, i made a decision. my dh had gone home to pick up a few things and get the house ready to bring me home so i was all alone in the room. what was my decision? i sang this song:

My Jesus, my Saviour,
Lord there is none like you
all of my days i want to praise
the wonders of your mighty love.
My Comfort, my Shelter,
Tower of refuge and Strength
let every breath, all that i am never cease to worship you

Shout to the Lord all the earth let us sing
Power and majesty, praise to the King
mountains bow down and the seas will roar
at the sound of your name
i sing for joy at the works of your hands
forever i'll love you, forever i'll stand
nothing compares to the promise i have in you.

you see it's easy to praise God when everything is gr8 and exactly as it should be. i still had days of misery and grief after the miscarriage but i made a decision from the beginning that i will hold on to my God. i had lost my baby but i would not lose my faith. and it is that faith that has seen me through.

First Post....here goes!

Well, this is hello and welcome. I do hope that a lot of people will visit this site and post their comments, encouragement and words of advice. I don't claim to know it all, I just want to help people the way I was helped.
Miscarriage is a loaded word and a heavy experience. Hopefully, together we can lighten the load and make a difference in one another's lives.
The Miscarriage Support and Information Association was created to do just that. too many people neglect the emotional aspect of healing and its importance to total health. Sadly, these people are the very ones that are supposed to help us; the healthcare providers.
So that's my 1st port of call; increasing awareness about the credibility of this need to feel validated in your grief after a miscarriage even among women in Nigeria.
Welcome and here's to hope, healing and help.